If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
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Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
The Struggle
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner