[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
🤣🤣🤣
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I just ran a .003048K