Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
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“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
can’t bark with your mouth full
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know