When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys