If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
You Might Also Like
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
This is Sparta
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…