My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
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Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.