How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
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My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Morning my dudes.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.