Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.