Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
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Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Yup….perfect score!
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.