“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
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Meow
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Bros before Ohioes
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
That eye roll….
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.