Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*updates tinder bio*
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
There are no pants in heaven.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My patience has stretch marks.