Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
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Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Haha! 😂
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time