judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth