strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.