Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
You Might Also Like
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet