Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Why am I like this?
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I’m calling the cops.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??