April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
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Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.