Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
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[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.