Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
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The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
A game married people play.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
reviewed some movies recently
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago