It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc