I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
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Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary