*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
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Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase