Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
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9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar