Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
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If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves