[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!