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My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.