He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?