“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
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Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed