Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.