Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
english majors be like furthermore
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.