How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
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Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!