[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”