The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
This will never not be funny 😭
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Birds & Planes.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.