God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
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gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right