Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
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🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Ironic
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I know karate and tons of other words.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE