love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
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Huge, if true.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut