LA today:
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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/Expectation:
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
[montage of me giving-up]
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild