SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
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Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Art by Pastelkatto
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer