The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
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Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.