What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
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[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
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wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
technically true but not a great slogan
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch