Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.