papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
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Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
This is my cat’s medicine.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.