Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
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*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Sing it!
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Money is the root of all wealth
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*