My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
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Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for