Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.