[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.