Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
You Might Also Like
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
necessity is the mother of invention
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I hope Alan is OK
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought