My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
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This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
New tinder profile pic
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Breaking news:
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!