“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
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After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”