A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
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a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Oh yeah that’s it
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich